Fear vs. Your Vivid Imagination pt. 2

Same place, same view, different feeling…
夏霧の頃、 日本に戻りたい Once Again, One Day…

Read on, reader…

So I’ve returned, after fulfilling my promise; much more of a statement to myself than a legal requirement though. If you read my last blog post, then you’d know that I’ve been quite busy do many music related things. I wrote a 4-piece editorial for the international music community website Bass and Format, I released a new project for the summer entitled ‘Summer High Suite’ – yes it’s the second project in less than 6 months, I just couldn’t sit still! I also have a short film for ‘We Must Remain Friends’, out now (NOTHING CAN CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT FOR THIS FILM APART FROM BRACKETS!!). They were all supposed to be climaxed by a small magnificent triumph, but alas, it just didn’t happen. I’ll keep tight lipped about that for now.

I’d set some goals in the past, but none that had been as audacious as what I was attempting. I guess I was gassed and felt invincible following the feedback and purchases of my tribute piece, plus everything I’ve just finished explaining with a sharp oxygen intake. The problem was, I messed up my time management and though I was under a tight schedule, had spent too much energy on smaller things, just because certain deadlines were more urgent.  Well never mind, maybe I could just have a great holiday.

So I left London, Osaka bound once more, this time with the company of fellow blogger howtobeaslimgirlnot, with nothing more than a dream (and some legitimate merchandise). I arrived in July, and it was hot. Nah, it was HOT!!. Really humid, I mean, you would walk outside and automatically begin dripping with sweat. It didn’t matter if it was 9am in the sun or 9pm in pitch blackness.

Other than that, you’d think it was great. I was back in my second home, I was about to venture out to Tokyo for the first time and the lack off extra-curricular planning beforehand meant that I could truly relax and soak in some culture. Just like I did a year prior… Well not so; let’s delve…

We arrived at Kansai airport to find that Qatar had ‘misplaced’ our luggage.  Hmmmm. I won’t say much more about the being less than a 5-star airline but I promise you, I’ll never fly with them again. Besides being concerned about my belongings, I felt strange. I couldn’t put my finger on the sensation, or perhaps the lack of. We spent the first eight days travelling around places that I’d been to before, meeting up with friends I’d made when I was in Osaka, Kyoto and Nagoya last time; plus some new ones. I felt very comfortable and familiar with my surroundings, yet still weird.  I then started to anticipate seeing Tokyo because I’d avoided the entire east of Japan last year for obvious reasons. That’s around the time that it dawned on me.

Sub-consciously, I think I wanted to experience exactly what I felt last time. I wanted everything to be what I’ll call ‘brand new beautiful’. I wanted to be wowed by magnificent structures that define the Far East.  I wanted to meet strangers and notice their face lighting up as they discovered that I spoke Japanese and could communicate with them. I wanted to tempt fate as I tried food for the first time that may or may not kill me within a few instants (I have a seafood allergy). I wanted both the rush and the thrill of the fear and anticipation of uncertainty. I didn’t want people to fret and consider my safety. I just wanted what I once had; all of the good, none of the bad.

Except, how could I have it? I took a stupidly long flight to Japan – check. I arrived on the second week of the month – check. I travelled to the same accommodation that I stayed in last time – check. There was a new national crisis due to some disgruntled tectonic plates ever to hit Japan – …  No matter how I set it up, the conditions just weren’t the same. Damn, no wonder I felt strange; nostalgia can be a bitch sometimes.

My trip in 2011 left a huge landmark on my timeline.  It was the first time I just got up out of my bed, sleepwalked to a travel agent and booked tickets as though I was buying a travel card. There was definitely something in myself that I was finding. Maybe I’ve still not been able to move on and continue to progress with my life. Why did I have to stop mid-holiday and realise this? Was it truly a let down? Either way, was it because of the country, or because of me? Why did I limit an adventure instead of just taking it for what it was? If I’m always expecting something more, what hope does this affinity have? So what if my time management was a little messed up? What’s stopping me from achieving my goals in the future?

Since the birth of this blog, my aim has been to share my life and my thoughts, with the purpose of giving you something relatable to ponder on, so that you could use my insights to think about your own life. Hey, maybe I should have put this paragraph on my about page. I’ve been on a particularly spiritual walk over the last year or so and I’d just like to continue doing that.

We’re all searching for the answer, even if we’re just living life and having a ball. Maybe you’re not an independent artist, trying to leave a chalk mark on the world’s surface but maybe you don’t need to be. Do you have something, perhaps a memory that you protect with great regard? Something you dream of experiencing again, knowing truthfully in your heart that it could never be the same? Does it involve someone else? Maybe an ex-lover, a long lost friend or parent? Can you nod your head as you read this without realising that you’ve just altered your relationship with this memory?

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